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Well, clearly I am a failure of a columnist with absolutely zero ability to connect with readers.

Two weeks ago, I wrote about an invasive cricket problem in my garage. Now, I don’t know much about cricket behaviour. I don’t know if they can be invasive. I know ants and hornets are malicious, organized invaders. They collude, they gather and they set out on a mission to damage dwellings and do stingy bitey things to people.

I don’t think crickets sting or bite, but they freak me the freak out and I do not like them. They are a scurrying, crawling, hopping animal. If they aren’t invasive, they are — at minimum — icky.

Anyway, I had one cricket in my garage but there were more trying to get in. When I’d open the garage door, they were falling from the door jamb as if they were clinging to it waiting to be let in. Blech.

I do not like crickets and their behaviour. They are not cute little Disney characters (see Cricket, Jiminy or Cri-Kee). I tried to convey my cricket fear and disgust and I asked for help. I begged for help.

I needed a cricket expert out there to tell me whether crickets in my door jamb are an issue and I needed a cricket expert out there to tell me how to get rid of them.

I know it’s wrong but I was secretly hoping someone would recommend some kind of magical cricket-killing bug bomb fogger. Pack up the dogs, cat and family, get out of the house, set the cricket bomb fogger off, drive away quickly, don’t come back for at least three days, sweep up a carpet of dead crickets.

I know that’s wrong. So wrong. But they are icky.

Well, no one wrote in to give me a green light to mass murder my crickets. For days, I got no help at all. Just crickets.

And then, out of nowhere, I got an email from one guy, Franklin. His advice? Want to get rid of your crickets? Eat them.

No kidding — I had to step away from the keyboard for a moment after typing that last sentence.

Franklin says he doesn’t mind eating crickets and suggested I start by picking up some cricket flour and baking some cricket bread.

I understand that crickets and other insects might be part of the solution to major, major global challenges. They could be a huge part of our food supply and they could have a seriously positive impact on climate change.

Bugs are a protein source that require less care than cows or chickens or pigs. That means less land, less water, less fuel, less labour and a teeny, tiny, cricket-paw sized carbon footprint.

Experts who know about this stuff say insect protein is no different from other animal and plant proteins and that there are certain insects that are “superstars” in terms of protein density. Crickets are one, along with meal worms and some ants. So gross.

That’s not an appetizer menu that gets me fired up. I’ll take deep-fried pickles, boneless wings and spinach dip over the deep-fried crickets, boneless meal worms and ant dip every time.

Makes me wonder though. If I was a columnist a couple of million or even thousands of years ago, I’d be telling people that eating zebra marrow or elephant carcass was just yuck. Heck, if it were up to me, we probably never would have discovered ham or chicken fingers. I would have said, “No, gross. Let’s stick to seeds and berries.”

Thankfully for humanity, I was not in a position of influence when humans were experimenting with eating animals and today, we have the meats.

It’s terrible of me to say all this. Irresponsible really.

I had to put my toast and coffee aside to write this column but I can admit, Franklin is right. And it’s not like we have to pour milk over a big bowl full of Cricket Crunchies. We don’t have to snack on Cricket McNuggets while watching the Blue Jays.

Insect eating can start small. Like Franklin said, bake cricket bread. Or we could use insect-based protein powder or feed our pets an insect-based food.

Small changes. We can do this. Not me, but us. OK not us. You.

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